Five Things a Brother Can Do, and How to Get Better at Each

Chapter 5 names five things a brother does with an account once it has been given. They are simple to list and hard to do. Most men are naturally good at one or two and have never practiced the others.

Here is each one, with the common way men get it wrong and one way to get better.

1. He asks

The common mistake: asking questions that extract instead of questions that receive. "Did you look at anything this week?" is a checkpoint question. It can be answered yes or no, and a man who wants to hide can hide behind either answer.

How to get better: ask about what he has already told you. Start your question with something he said. "You said Thursday was bad. What was happening Thursday afternoon?" That tells him you heard him, and it takes him deeper into his own account. A good follow-up question helps a man find things he did not know he knew.

2. He listens

The common mistake: jumping in too early. A man starts to say something hard, and the listener, trying to be kind, rushes to reassure him: "Hey, we all struggle." The man stops talking, and the worst part never gets said.

How to get better: let silence do some of the work. When he stops, count to five before you speak. Often he will keep going, and what comes next is what he actually came to say. James 1:19 is a skill, not just a sentiment: quick to hear, slow to speak.

3. He tells the truth

The common mistake: saying what is pleasant instead of what is true. Most men are either comforters or fixers, and both can avoid the truth. The comforter says it's fine. The fixer jumps to a plan without naming what happened.

How to get better: before you respond, ask yourself, "What do I see from outside that he can't see from inside?" Then say that. Sometimes it is comfort: "You are forgiven. This doesn't define you." Sometimes it is harder: "You called it a slip. What you described sounds like a pattern." Hebrews 3:13 says we exhort one another so that no one is "hardened by the deceitfulness of sin." Your honest words interrupt the lies he has been telling himself.

4. He refuses to flatter

The common mistake: accepting a vague account as if it were a clear one. "Rough week, slipped up a little." The group nods and moves on. That is flattery, even if nobody said anything nice.

How to get better: learn a few gentle, firm phrases and use them:

• "That sounds like part of the story. What's the rest?"
• "You keep saying it just happened. Walk me through the decisions."
• "I'm not sure I believe you. Help me understand."

Proverbs 27:6: "Faithful are the wounds of a friend." You earn the right to say these things by giving your own honest accounts first.

5. He keeps me from carrying it alone

The common mistake: treating the confession as the end of the conversation. The man says the hard thing, someone prays, and then the week goes on as if nothing was said. He is back to carrying the weight alone by Tuesday.

How to get better: make it concrete before the night ends. Who is calling him, and when? What is he going to tell you next week? Does anyone else need to know? A text on Wednesday that says "Praying for you today. How's it going?" is small. To a man carrying a heavy weight, it is not small at all.

One direction

Every one of these five comes after the account. None of them is a way to extract it. That is what keeps brotherhood from turning into surveillance: the man moves first, and then his brothers move toward him with everything they have.